In a world of multiple digital platforms, the notion of ‘terrestrial television’ will soon lose its significance. But for now, it’s still quite a big deal. The term was coined at the birth of Murdoch’s Sky, to distinguish the stations sending their signal via an earth based transmitter from those using an orbiting satellite. For the less technically minded, ‘terrestrial TV’ was the fancy term for the major, free-to-air channels: BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 and, from 1997, Channel 5.
Launching a new TV network is no piece of cake. Even with considerably fewer competitors than the contemporary market would chuck at you, it’s tough to prise viewers away from their favourite serials, game shows, dramas and newsreaders. Generally, people don’t like change, so a new station must experiment with formats, content and style until a sufficiently curious audience drifts across. Channel 4 was regarded as an oddity for a good while following its inception in 1982 – and was probably rescued by erotic foreign movies and Countdown.
To be fair, Channel 5 made a reasonable start. Launch night was anchored by the Spice Girls (five of ‘em you see, and hugely popular at the time), followed by their in-house soap ‘Family Affairs’ (put to sleep many moons ago), and a Last Resort-ish chat show with Jack Docherty.
Their longer term proposition was a concept called ‘stripped and stranded’. Borrowed from the USA, this simply meant one would know the kind of programme showing on the station by the time of day. Quiz at 5.00pm, news at 6.00pm (with a youthful and upright Kirsty Young), movie at 9.00pm – that sort of thing. Despite this being Channel 5′s unique selling point, it was quickly abandoned and a general malaise set in. The quality of the output was shockingly weak. I vividly recall a dreadful talk show called ‘Five’s Company’ with five presenters and a constant stream of Z-list guests, and evenings of seemingly endless, straight-to-video, Jean Claude Van Damme films. Within a year, the channel was chasing viewers with late night soft porn.
For a while one could excuse – or at least understand – the low-rent programming. Budgets must have been extraordinarily modest while advertising clients were sought. What strikes and astonishes me is that Channel 5 never really got going after that. Sixteen years on and it still resembles a particularly unappealing cable station, hovering in the high six hundreds on the EPG. When was the last time you set your magic box to pick up a programme from the channel? Exactly.
As you might expect, there have been several re-launches in the last decade and a half. From 2002 to 2011, the channel carried the shortened name ‘Five’. Like their boyband namesakes, the appeal eventually wore off and the return to ‘Channel 5′ coincided with the arrival of new owner Richard Desmond. Desmond is also proprietor of the Express Group and a swathe of hardcore porn stations and magazines. Unfortunately, none of this seems to have made much difference. In the early years of the new century we were ‘tempted’ with a Chris Moyles telly show and not long ago something called ‘OK TV’ (Desmond owns ‘OK’ magazine too). Neither of these gained any traction and have long since left our lives. More recently, a programme called ‘Live From Studio Five’ drew attention for all the wrong reasons. Starring former footballer Ian Wright and someone off The Apprentice, it has passed into television legend as one of the worst shows ever aired.
Despite Desmond’s promise of big new cash for big new programmes, that’s about it for Channel 5′s contribution to British broadcasting, with one significant exception. In 2010, Channel 4 axed its one-time ratings monster ‘Big Brother’. To a good few folk this was the source of some relief. But the celebrations were short-lived. Channel 5 moved quickly to secure a deal with production house Endemol and the show was resurrected. It remains on Channel 5 to this day and delivers its biggest audience of about a million and a half. That’s a stunning audience share of around 4%.
The remainder of the schedule is largely occupied by American imports, most of which are called ‘CSI: Something Or Other’. If that doesn’t appeal, there’s one called ‘NCIS’. You can catch up with ‘Neighbours’ or ‘Home And Away’ if you’re still living in the eighties, and there was even a much-trumpeted return for ‘Dallas’, which bombed quite spectacularly. The channel does deign to make one or two shows for itself: ‘The Gadget Show’ and ‘Fifth Gear’ (I wonder what gave them the idea for the latter car programme) – but all in all, very little to write home about.
Which must drive other broadcasters to distraction. Any self-respecting media mogul would give several limbs to own and operate a terrestrial TV network. And one suspects, many would work like demons to pull in big viewing figures, the better to capitalise on the opportunity. But Channel 5 simply stumbles on without any original drama, or comedy, or live sports and or current affairs (other than news bulletins, which are mostly ignored).
Desmond also operates two ‘sister’ channels – 5* and Five USA. But don’t start hyper-ventilating in expectation. With the odd exception (‘Sons Of Anarchy’) there’s nothing on either to distract you from your scintillating evening.
Should you ever find yourself running a local radio station, you’ll notice you are compelled to declare the station’s format to an organisation called Ofcom. If your glittering plan for a mixture of music and chat is approved, Ofcom will closely monitor your broadcasts to ensure you stick to it. This is to ensure you serve your target audience with effort and professionalism. Deviate and they’ll be all over you.
Ofcom also monitors TV stations for precisely the same reason. So, what they make of Channel 5′s lackadaisical approach to programming and scheduling – not to mention the measly audience share – I cannot begin to guess. Perhaps, like so many of us, they’ve forgotten it’s even there.
Their longer term proposition was a concept called ‘stripped and stranded’. Borrowed from the USA, this simply meant one would know the kind of programme showing on the station by the time of day. Quiz at 5.00pm, news at 6.00pm (with a youthful and upright Kirsty Young), movie at 9.00pm – that sort of thing. Despite this being Channel 5′s unique selling point, it was quickly abandoned and a general malaise set in. The quality of the output was shockingly weak. I vividly recall a dreadful talk show called ‘Five’s Company’ with five presenters and a constant stream of Z-list guests, and evenings of seemingly endless, straight-to-video, Jean Claude Van Damme films. Within a year, the channel was chasing viewers with late night soft porn.
For a while one could excuse – or at least understand – the low-rent programming. Budgets must have been extraordinarily modest while advertising clients were sought. What strikes and astonishes me is that Channel 5 never really got going after that. Sixteen years on and it still resembles a particularly unappealing cable station, hovering in the high six hundreds on the EPG. When was the last time you set your magic box to pick up a programme from the channel? Exactly.
As you might expect, there have been several re-launches in the last decade and a half. From 2002 to 2011, the channel carried the shortened name ‘Five’. Like their boyband namesakes, the appeal eventually wore off and the return to ‘Channel 5′ coincided with the arrival of new owner Richard Desmond. Desmond is also proprietor of the Express Group and a swathe of hardcore porn stations and magazines. Unfortunately, none of this seems to have made much difference. In the early years of the new century we were ‘tempted’ with a Chris Moyles telly show and not long ago something called ‘OK TV’ (Desmond owns ‘OK’ magazine too). Neither of these gained any traction and have long since left our lives. More recently, a programme called ‘Live From Studio Five’ drew attention for all the wrong reasons. Starring former footballer Ian Wright and someone off The Apprentice, it has passed into television legend as one of the worst shows ever aired.
Despite Desmond’s promise of big new cash for big new programmes, that’s about it for Channel 5′s contribution to British broadcasting, with one significant exception. In 2010, Channel 4 axed its one-time ratings monster ‘Big Brother’. To a good few folk this was the source of some relief. But the celebrations were short-lived. Channel 5 moved quickly to secure a deal with production house Endemol and the show was resurrected. It remains on Channel 5 to this day and delivers its biggest audience of about a million and a half. That’s a stunning audience share of around 4%.
The remainder of the schedule is largely occupied by American imports, most of which are called ‘CSI: Something Or Other’. If that doesn’t appeal, there’s one called ‘NCIS’. You can catch up with ‘Neighbours’ or ‘Home And Away’ if you’re still living in the eighties, and there was even a much-trumpeted return for ‘Dallas’, which bombed quite spectacularly. The channel does deign to make one or two shows for itself: ‘The Gadget Show’ and ‘Fifth Gear’ (I wonder what gave them the idea for the latter car programme) – but all in all, very little to write home about.
Which must drive other broadcasters to distraction. Any self-respecting media mogul would give several limbs to own and operate a terrestrial TV network. And one suspects, many would work like demons to pull in big viewing figures, the better to capitalise on the opportunity. But Channel 5 simply stumbles on without any original drama, or comedy, or live sports and or current affairs (other than news bulletins, which are mostly ignored).
Desmond also operates two ‘sister’ channels – 5* and Five USA. But don’t start hyper-ventilating in expectation. With the odd exception (‘Sons Of Anarchy’) there’s nothing on either to distract you from your scintillating evening.
Should you ever find yourself running a local radio station, you’ll notice you are compelled to declare the station’s format to an organisation called Ofcom. If your glittering plan for a mixture of music and chat is approved, Ofcom will closely monitor your broadcasts to ensure you stick to it. This is to ensure you serve your target audience with effort and professionalism. Deviate and they’ll be all over you.
Ofcom also monitors TV stations for precisely the same reason. So, what they make of Channel 5′s lackadaisical approach to programming and scheduling – not to mention the measly audience share – I cannot begin to guess. Perhaps, like so many of us, they’ve forgotten it’s even there.
