UB troubled

On 4th October 2011, the family and friends of UB40 gathered at the Hare & Hounds public house in King’s Heath. The Performing Rights Society was presenting them with an award at the site of their first gig in 1978. The musicians played a short set and a party followed. After 70 million records sold and 50 chart hits, it should have been a sweet moment for the act. Instead it was the slightest glimmer of light in a period of disarray, betrayal and recrimination which had brought them to near destruction and actual bankruptcy.

Where have you bean?

I felt sure if we waited long enough, someone would grasp the nettle and prove that the art of copywriting isn’t dead, just having a lie down. The fact that this little miracle has been achieved by one of the nation’s best known (and best loved) brands, is just the icing on the cake. Or at least the sauce on the beans.

Every copywriter of a certain age recalls one of advertising’s most successful straplines in an instant. ‘Beanz Meanz Heinz’ accompanyied the familiar blue tin for years – and served the little orange morsels very well. Times change, every strap has its day and eventually ‘Beanz Meanz …’ was retired. What came after it was mostly average, mostly forgettable. You see, that’s the trouble with a classic line – with what do you follow it?

Cash from chaos

The connection between punk’s pop cultural movement and the political ideology of ‘anarchy’ stems from the 1976 debut single from Sex Pistols: ‘Anarchy In The UK’. The Pistols weren’t actually a political or anarchist band, more of an art statement, and their reference to ‘anarchy’ was a statement of provocation and disgust rather than a manifesto. They did, after all, sign to three major record labels and fought tooth and nail for the money they earned.

However, their battle cry was taken as literal inspiration by many punk disciples, who adopted anarchy as a philosophy and lifestyle. Crass, the Essex band and communal collective, were the prime movers in this politicised brand of punk rock – with long-established counter culture pamphleteer Penny Rimbaud as their guru. Adhering to a determinedly alternative lifestyle and agenda, their music was raw and basic, but their presentation bold and intelligent.

Take your pick

Social media is currently the marketing Holy Grail. Formerly sceptical clients are now convinced that, properly leveraged, facebook and twitter will open up a treasure trove of commerce.

Against this backdrop, Dutch airline KLM is offering its passengers the chance to select the person they sit next to on a flight, based on their social media profile. Leaving aside the horror every good Englishman feels when faced with the prospect of making small talk with strangers, isn’t this all a bit unnecessary? Can we not be relied upon to simply ‘play nicely’ with our fellow travellers, without vetting them over the net? Don’t people just sleep and read on a flight anyway?
Clearly, this gimmick (and it is a gimmick – if KLM still offer this in a year’s time I’ll eat one of my many hats) is born of the most overrated concept of our time: choice.

We're all writers now ...

There are many signs that something is going wrong. The scarcity of invitations to join the staff of a particular agency; the lack of requests to pencil out dates in your diary and the distant memory of those top-dollar, overnight emergency briefs.

Only fool wouldn’t come to the conclusion that the industry’s finances are sinking faster than Simon Le Bon’s yacht. Still, any seasoned freelance copywriter has seen all this before. Recession follows boom as surely as a belch follows a can of cola and things will surely come right. And they will.

But in the meantime, what’s happening with the clients, the agencies and firms once so ready with their copywriting budget? To some extent, they are simply producing fewer campaigns or even going out of business. But those who aren’t are making a very risky decision. They’re writing their own copy.

Comfortably punk

You may recall we recently established that punk bands actually loathed the habit of crowd spitting and certainly didn’t spit on their own audiences. But that wasn’t to say a rock musician has never done such a thing.

In July 1977, at the height of the UK punk movement, the bass player in a very popular act was playing the last show of a tour in Montreal, Canada. At the gig’s climax, he marched to the lip of the stage and gobbed at fans on the front row.

This was Roger Waters of Pink Floyd.

Married bliss

It’s a college. No it’s not, it’s a record label. Sorry, it’s a TV studio. Hang on, no, it’s a computer games firm.

Let’s start again. Confetti is definitely a bar and meeting place. And all of the above, it seems.

Nestling in the centre of Nottingham, Confetti is quite unlike any media company I’ve ever encountered. And I’ve encountered a few. Established in 1994, the organisation launched as a well-equipped, creative technology school for college students and school leavers. It was the vision of Craig Chettle and initially worked with The People’s College of Further Education. As Craig puts it, “We wanted to create a place and an opportunity that was not available to us when we were in further education.”

Less than meets the eye

We’ve been spoilt. The delights of the modern media have ruined us. Our predecessors would have little or no idea what a polar bear was, let alone be presented with the vision of one giving birth to unbelievably sweet baby polar bears. But now, we merely have to activate the shimmering screen in our lounge rooms, settle back with a mug of Horlicks and the majesty of the Arctic giant reproducing is displayed in HD colour. But do we gasp in awe? Do we shed a silent tear at the sheer beauty of the wondrous event? Do we heck. Instead, we rush to the Radio Times website and type away like a secretary on speed, denouncing the whole charade because we suspect the scene was filmed at Bristol Zoo and not the Tundra.

It doesn’t much matter if avuncular naturalist David Attenborough is attacked and eaten, we want authenticity, damn it!

As I say, we have been spoilt.

The year ahead ...

1. Someone who thinks they’re important will say Twitter is dead. They will tweet a link to their reasoning.

2. Jonathan Ross will wake at night wondering why the whole ITV thing never works for him.

3. Compare The Market will make more money from soft toys than insurance.

4. Lorshuggar will be shown an iPhone. He will think it’s a calculator.

5. HMV RIP

6. HM Government will blame cigarettes and the Euro for the fact no-one has a job.

7. The BBC will accidentally broadcast Brass Eye instead of Newsnight. No will notice.

8. Iran invasion undertaken to cheer everyone up.

9. Nation will attempt to recall what a Little Mix was.

10. A correctly deployed apostrophe will be found by archeologists.

11. Train fares will rise by a percentage determined by Eric Pickles waist measurement.

12. Boris Johnson will cease cutting his own hair in the dark. His popularity will plummet.

13. Channel 5 gameshow ‘Burn The Witch’ will be deemed ‘a little tasteless.

14. Evil dictator will go to war with own people. Big boost for British arms industry.

15. Teenagers will be told to ‘finish that last bit of Coca Cola and throw the bottle away’.

16. Phrase ‘Kindle Porn’ will make first appearance.

17. Man watching 3D movie will realise he is merely looking out of the window.

18. 3D RIP

19. Olly Murs will come out. As rubbish.

20. DWP’s ‘Work For Nothing Or Lose A Limb’ scheme will be piloted in Scotland.

Help yourself

Merry Christmas? Times are as hard as a granite boulder, encased in steel, painted in superglue and treated with a rare carbon compound.

Broke is what we are.

Blame a multitude of politicians and stab an accusing finger in the direction of international bankers and I will be with you, brothers and sisters. Had the former been watching the latter, we may not be in this sorry situation. Add to this negligence a patchwork government hell-bent on hobbling the voluntary and public sectors and we’re staring down the wrong end of a long, bleak winter. But again, what’s to be done? In the creative industries, can we really lighten this crushing load in any meaningful way? I feel certain we can.