In rock and roll, as in life, there are tasks which many are too idle, proud or busy to perform. Fortunately, I am none of these things. Which is why I have taken responsibility for sifting through an expansive pile of popular lyrics in order to identify those hidden, but crucial anomalies, so often overlooked by the writer.
Call it a public service. Call it an unhealthily pedantic obsession. Put a hat on it and call it a thing, because here come the results.
1. Westlife - You Lift Me Up
Lyric: 'I am strong, when I am on your shoulders / You raise me up/
To more than I can be.'
Anomaly: The strong/shoulders bit may be a rotten cliche but that needn't detain us here. It's the next part that's problematic. You see, unfortunately fellas, you can never be more than you can be. Whatever the apex of substance attained by yourself, that - by definition - is exactly as much as you can be. If, thanks to the whole 'shoulders' thing, you become a little bit more - then that, self-evidently, becomes as much as you can be. Easy really.
2. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon
Lyric: 'Let me play amongst the stars / Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.'
Anomaly: Couple of schoolboy errors here, Francis my boy. First, Jupiter and Mars? Not stars. The Sun? That's a star. But the other two - they'd be planets. Then, although these bodies do have seasons, you wouldn't care for them much. Indeed, Mars is incredibly cold - even in Spring. Lethally so. And Jupiter is a gas giant. It has no solid surface, so you could never actually be 'on' it in any meaningful way. Sorry.
3. Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away
Lyric: 'I wish that I could fly / Into the sky / So very high / Just like a dragonfly'
Anomaly: That's a lovely wish, Leonard. But one little point I must draw to your attention: the dragonfly goes nowhere near anything one might reasonably refer to as the sky. In truth, he tends to hover quite close the surface of stagnant ponds. So you may wish to adjust your smashing, car-flogging song to read:
'I wish that I could fly / About six inches above some stinky ditch / Not very high / Just like a dragonfly.'
4. Supertramp - Breakfast In America
Lyric: 'Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear / They got to have 'em in Texas, cos everyone's a millionaire'
Anomaly: I'm not entirely sure where the Supertramp boys are buying their fish. They are clearly under the impression that a brace of kippers is the preserve of the super rich oil barons of the southern USA. I'd say they're getting royally ripped off. Also, I've checked and there are literally loads of people in Texas who aren't in possession of a million or more dollars. So that's wrong too.
5. Europe - The Final Countdown
Lyric: 'We're heading for Venus / Cause maybe they've seen us /And welcome us all, yeah.'
Anomaly: What is it with recording stars and their poor astronomical awareness? These sad, deluded poodle rockers are under the impression that hordes of Venusians are standing ready to greet the entire population of Earth once we've cleared customs. However, the average temperature on Venus is 462°C and it frequently rains sulphuric acid. For days. Safe to say then, our hosts are not going to be in any shape to wave, let alone carry our suitcases. Yeah.
6. Cliff Richard - Carrie
Lyric: 'Sorry that she left no forwarding address / That was known to me.'
Anomaly: No need for that second clause, Clifford. If Carrie had left a forwarding address with you (which you say, she didn't), then it would have been known to you. If she didn't (which you say, is the case) then it goes without saying, the non-existent forwarding address wouldn't be known to you. Which it isn't.
7. Tight Fit - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Lyric: 'In the jungle / The mighty jungle / The lion sleeps tonight.'
Anomaly: Pay attention gentlemen (and semi-clad Tight Fit ladies). It really is unlikely the jungle would be silent tonight (or any night) - what with all those nocturnal critters chirruping and croaking at each other. But accepting for moment, that it is - the peace cannot be attributed to any lions having a right good kip. You see, they live on open savvanahs - big dusty plains in Africa - never troubling the jungle, even when they're on their holidays.
8. The Police - Walking On The Moon
Lyric: 'I hope my legs don't break / Walking on the moon.'
Anomaly: I'm no doctor, but it seems reasonable to believe that broken bones usually result from hard and heavy impacts upon the body or limbs. Now, the intensity of an impact owes a great deal to gravity as it drags your Geordie frame towards something hard - like a table, a rock or the ground. Given that the moon's gravity is only 83.3% of the strength of the Earth's, Mr. Gordon's apprehension concerning the wellbeing of his legs is completely misplaced. Ba-dum-da-dum.
9. The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men
Lyric: 'I'm going to go out / I'm going to let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet.'
Anomaly: Let's just recap the sequence of events. The humidity was rising, yes? Then the barometer was getting low, you say? Okay. Then all sources suggested the street was the place to go? Okay. Following that, a remarkably detailed forecast confirmed that around about half-past ten, for the first time in history, it was going rain ... well ... men. So far, so good. But then you inform us that you intend to allow yourself to get 'absolutely soaking wet'. Forgive me, but if it is indeed 'raining men', then you are surely more likely to be badly crushed by a falling, eleven stone human being than you are to feel the refreshing splash of moisture.
10. Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime
Lyric: 'If her daddy's rich / Take her out for a meal / If her daddy's poor / Just do what you feel.'
Anomaly: Setting aside the rank sexism ripped through the whole song (which is tricky), this particular section rather defies logic. Let's assume you had the breathtaking cheek to ask your date for a spreadsheet outlining her father's income, it is still almost impossible to see why this data would have the slightest bearing on your choice of venue. How does your companion's paternal wealth determine a visit to a restaurant or some other vague and spontaneous activity? Unless her dad is going to be paying. In which case, it's reasonable to expect him to be there. Is that the sort of date you really had in mind? In the summertime? Is it?
Call it a public service. Call it an unhealthily pedantic obsession. Put a hat on it and call it a thing, because here come the results.
1. Westlife - You Lift Me Up
Lyric: 'I am strong, when I am on your shoulders / You raise me up/
To more than I can be.'
Anomaly: The strong/shoulders bit may be a rotten cliche but that needn't detain us here. It's the next part that's problematic. You see, unfortunately fellas, you can never be more than you can be. Whatever the apex of substance attained by yourself, that - by definition - is exactly as much as you can be. If, thanks to the whole 'shoulders' thing, you become a little bit more - then that, self-evidently, becomes as much as you can be. Easy really.
2. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon
Lyric: 'Let me play amongst the stars / Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.'
Anomaly: Couple of schoolboy errors here, Francis my boy. First, Jupiter and Mars? Not stars. The Sun? That's a star. But the other two - they'd be planets. Then, although these bodies do have seasons, you wouldn't care for them much. Indeed, Mars is incredibly cold - even in Spring. Lethally so. And Jupiter is a gas giant. It has no solid surface, so you could never actually be 'on' it in any meaningful way. Sorry.
3. Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away
Lyric: 'I wish that I could fly / Into the sky / So very high / Just like a dragonfly'
Anomaly: That's a lovely wish, Leonard. But one little point I must draw to your attention: the dragonfly goes nowhere near anything one might reasonably refer to as the sky. In truth, he tends to hover quite close the surface of stagnant ponds. So you may wish to adjust your smashing, car-flogging song to read:
'I wish that I could fly / About six inches above some stinky ditch / Not very high / Just like a dragonfly.'
4. Supertramp - Breakfast In America
Lyric: 'Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear / They got to have 'em in Texas, cos everyone's a millionaire'
Anomaly: I'm not entirely sure where the Supertramp boys are buying their fish. They are clearly under the impression that a brace of kippers is the preserve of the super rich oil barons of the southern USA. I'd say they're getting royally ripped off. Also, I've checked and there are literally loads of people in Texas who aren't in possession of a million or more dollars. So that's wrong too.
5. Europe - The Final Countdown
Lyric: 'We're heading for Venus / Cause maybe they've seen us /And welcome us all, yeah.'
Anomaly: What is it with recording stars and their poor astronomical awareness? These sad, deluded poodle rockers are under the impression that hordes of Venusians are standing ready to greet the entire population of Earth once we've cleared customs. However, the average temperature on Venus is 462°C and it frequently rains sulphuric acid. For days. Safe to say then, our hosts are not going to be in any shape to wave, let alone carry our suitcases. Yeah.
6. Cliff Richard - Carrie
Lyric: 'Sorry that she left no forwarding address / That was known to me.'
Anomaly: No need for that second clause, Clifford. If Carrie had left a forwarding address with you (which you say, she didn't), then it would have been known to you. If she didn't (which you say, is the case) then it goes without saying, the non-existent forwarding address wouldn't be known to you. Which it isn't.
7. Tight Fit - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Lyric: 'In the jungle / The mighty jungle / The lion sleeps tonight.'
Anomaly: Pay attention gentlemen (and semi-clad Tight Fit ladies). It really is unlikely the jungle would be silent tonight (or any night) - what with all those nocturnal critters chirruping and croaking at each other. But accepting for moment, that it is - the peace cannot be attributed to any lions having a right good kip. You see, they live on open savvanahs - big dusty plains in Africa - never troubling the jungle, even when they're on their holidays.
8. The Police - Walking On The Moon
Lyric: 'I hope my legs don't break / Walking on the moon.'
Anomaly: I'm no doctor, but it seems reasonable to believe that broken bones usually result from hard and heavy impacts upon the body or limbs. Now, the intensity of an impact owes a great deal to gravity as it drags your Geordie frame towards something hard - like a table, a rock or the ground. Given that the moon's gravity is only 83.3% of the strength of the Earth's, Mr. Gordon's apprehension concerning the wellbeing of his legs is completely misplaced. Ba-dum-da-dum.
9. The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men
Lyric: 'I'm going to go out / I'm going to let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet.'
Anomaly: Let's just recap the sequence of events. The humidity was rising, yes? Then the barometer was getting low, you say? Okay. Then all sources suggested the street was the place to go? Okay. Following that, a remarkably detailed forecast confirmed that around about half-past ten, for the first time in history, it was going rain ... well ... men. So far, so good. But then you inform us that you intend to allow yourself to get 'absolutely soaking wet'. Forgive me, but if it is indeed 'raining men', then you are surely more likely to be badly crushed by a falling, eleven stone human being than you are to feel the refreshing splash of moisture.
10. Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime
Lyric: 'If her daddy's rich / Take her out for a meal / If her daddy's poor / Just do what you feel.'
Anomaly: Setting aside the rank sexism ripped through the whole song (which is tricky), this particular section rather defies logic. Let's assume you had the breathtaking cheek to ask your date for a spreadsheet outlining her father's income, it is still almost impossible to see why this data would have the slightest bearing on your choice of venue. How does your companion's paternal wealth determine a visit to a restaurant or some other vague and spontaneous activity? Unless her dad is going to be paying. In which case, it's reasonable to expect him to be there. Is that the sort of date you really had in mind? In the summertime? Is it?
