This week the literary world celebrated the work of its most successful authors and their hamfisted attempts to convey the act of love to their readers. The Bad Sex Awards, organised by The Literary Review, is the embarrassment equivalent of the Man Booker prize and was held in the regal surroundings of the Naval & Military Club in St James. The venue is better known as The In & Out Club.
Winning for her challenged portrayals of camera-based bedroom action was Canadian Nancy Huston. Here she is:
'No sooner have we settled onto the bed and begun to remove each other's clothes with the clumsy gestures of impatience than I realise Kamal also knows about passivity — yes, he also knows how to remain still, fully awake and attentive, and give himself up to me as a cello gives itself up to a bow.'
A deserving victor, I'm sure you'll agree.
So all this toe-curling, rumpy-pumpy narrative set me thinking. Rock and roll is always keen on sex as a subject matter, sometimes with spine tingling results (Marvin, we salute you). However, as with the printed word, popular music is also liable to make a dreadful, dreadful hash of it. Therefore, with great pride, I am delighted to present the top-ten least sexy, sexy songs in music.
Reader, brace yourself, lie back and think of England.
10. Physical - Olivia Newton John
In 2010, Billboard Magazine said this was the sexiest song of all time. Presumably the staff of Billboard Magazine also view the Littlewoods catalogue as hardcore pornography and feel 'a bit funny' when clothes shops change the outfits on their mannequins.
Don't misunderstand, we're all for Livvy. 'Grease' is a timeless pleasure on a Boxing Day afternoon and who doesn't go nuts for that one she did with ELO? (Don't answer that). But she's a bit like your pretty, big sister isn't she? Adorable, but never, ever to be thought of in terms of 'doing it'. The 'Physical' video attempted to flip the whole innuendo and push it into a gym. If anything, this made the whole enterprise worse.
9. Color Me Badd - I Want To Sex You Up
Just in case you gentlemen happen to be looking for killer chat-up lines for an upcoming Christmas party, we should warn you 'I Want To Sex You Up' may result in a liberal coating of eggnog and a knee to your soft area.
Unfortunately, this nineties, white R&B quartet weren't living on the same planet as the rest of us. They inhabited a world where 'I want to rub you down' is the height of sophisticated romance. In truth, Color-Me-Badd's record should have come with a pack of antiseptic hand gel (and a spelling dictionary).
8. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
I suppose writing a lyric based on a 'birds and bees' chat between a retired colonel and his grandson is an original idea. But only a maniac would imagine references to 'lovely lady lumps' are in any way arousing.
7. Milk, Milk, Lemonade - Katy Perry
Really, Katy? Really? That schoolyard rhyme which sounded infantile, even when we were infants? As a 'sexy' pop song? Sheesh.
We'd concede, 'I Kissed A Girl' was a genuinely surprising and flirty hit with an impressively gigantic hook - but that doesn't give you licence to trot out juvenile and wilfully dumb old tripe like this. I'm glad you think a banana is a treat, they're full of potassium and a useful part of a healthy balanced diet. Unfortunately they are only a sexy metaphor if you're a confused teenage boy with a wardrobe full of Parade magazines. Although, in fairness, Katy has probably spent too much time in the company of Russell Brand.
6. Sex Bomb - Tom Jones
Old daffodil tonsils may have re-invented himself as the silver fox of grandpoppery, thanks to his chair twirling stint on 'The Voice'. However, in 1999 he did something unforgivable. That is, he planted a picture of his leathery hide bumping and grinding while he warbled 'Baby you can turn me on', in our collective minds.
It's not a pleasant image. But what particularly offends is the super-cheapo, handbag house backing, simply screaming 'Old man trying to be sexy and hip over here.' That and the lyric 'Make me explode, although you know, the route to go is to sex me slow.' That's some dry boke, right there.
5. Erotica - Madonna
There's no doubting Ms. Ciccone is a formidable, female presence. Scarily so at times. But around the mid-nineties her libido was bubbling over like a cappuccino in an espresso cup. Who's to say what had got into her (other than Vanilla Ice) but it all got a bit much. There was that metal book with lots of shots of Her Madgeness sans pants - 'Sex' it was called, rather unsexily. And the album and single 'Erotica'.
The obviousness is the problem, isn't it? We didn't need Teddy Pendergrass to march around with little Teddy in his hand - in fact, we'd have been shocked and disturbed if he had. Likewise with Madonna. Which is why ' ... at night I lock the door, where no-one else can see' will always be more sexually intriguing than '... put your hands all over my body.'
4. Sex - Paul Young
It probably seemed quite a good idea at the time. Massive hit with debut single; first album to fill; popular with the young ladies - let's do a number about the horizontal jogging. What could possibly go wrong? Well frankly, this:
Let me guess what's on your mind (Sex) / That's all right ‘cause it's on mine (Sex) / You better give me what I want / 'Cause that's what I've been waiting for / (Sex...Sex...Sex...Sex...)
Nice thought, Paul. But I'm very tired and it's a work night ...
3. Sexy Love - Ne Yo
Huh? 'Sexy Love'? Isn't that what eight year old boys call the noises coming from their older brothers' bedrooms? And if you reverse the words, don't you get a Prince album? You see, writing really erotic songs isn't easy and the behatted Ne Yo is just phoning this nonsense in.
Littering his track with numerous 'Sexy baby' and 'My sexy love is so sexy' references, he's giving us the audio equivalent of watching the late movie over the shoulder of your lover. Instead of putting in the required effort, you're merely going through the motions. If a pop record could be accused of being a faked orgasm, this one would be guilty as charged. Ne Yo, you can keep your hat on. And your trousers.
2. I Invented Sex - Trey Songz
You didn't though, did you?
1. Liz Phair – H.W.C.
This quite obscure little ditty tops our tawdry chart. If you know it, you'll know why we gave it the gong. If you don't, hold on tight.
You'll need to give it a listen to discover what the 'C' stands for. But the 'H' and 'W' are 'hot' and 'white'.
We're delighted Miss Phair has found an aspect of her fella that excites her so, but we really, really wish she had spared us the details, especially via the medium of song. Of course, it could be argued there aren't enough pop records dedicated to the glory of bodily fluids - although there's probably a stronger argument that this one is one too many. What is surely beyond doubt, is the frightful unsexiness of Liz's tribute to her man's tadpoles.
Approach with caution. And maybe some tissues.
Winning for her challenged portrayals of camera-based bedroom action was Canadian Nancy Huston. Here she is:
'No sooner have we settled onto the bed and begun to remove each other's clothes with the clumsy gestures of impatience than I realise Kamal also knows about passivity — yes, he also knows how to remain still, fully awake and attentive, and give himself up to me as a cello gives itself up to a bow.'
A deserving victor, I'm sure you'll agree.
So all this toe-curling, rumpy-pumpy narrative set me thinking. Rock and roll is always keen on sex as a subject matter, sometimes with spine tingling results (Marvin, we salute you). However, as with the printed word, popular music is also liable to make a dreadful, dreadful hash of it. Therefore, with great pride, I am delighted to present the top-ten least sexy, sexy songs in music.
Reader, brace yourself, lie back and think of England.
10. Physical - Olivia Newton John
In 2010, Billboard Magazine said this was the sexiest song of all time. Presumably the staff of Billboard Magazine also view the Littlewoods catalogue as hardcore pornography and feel 'a bit funny' when clothes shops change the outfits on their mannequins.
Don't misunderstand, we're all for Livvy. 'Grease' is a timeless pleasure on a Boxing Day afternoon and who doesn't go nuts for that one she did with ELO? (Don't answer that). But she's a bit like your pretty, big sister isn't she? Adorable, but never, ever to be thought of in terms of 'doing it'. The 'Physical' video attempted to flip the whole innuendo and push it into a gym. If anything, this made the whole enterprise worse.
9. Color Me Badd - I Want To Sex You Up
Just in case you gentlemen happen to be looking for killer chat-up lines for an upcoming Christmas party, we should warn you 'I Want To Sex You Up' may result in a liberal coating of eggnog and a knee to your soft area.
Unfortunately, this nineties, white R&B quartet weren't living on the same planet as the rest of us. They inhabited a world where 'I want to rub you down' is the height of sophisticated romance. In truth, Color-Me-Badd's record should have come with a pack of antiseptic hand gel (and a spelling dictionary).
8. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
I suppose writing a lyric based on a 'birds and bees' chat between a retired colonel and his grandson is an original idea. But only a maniac would imagine references to 'lovely lady lumps' are in any way arousing.
7. Milk, Milk, Lemonade - Katy Perry
Really, Katy? Really? That schoolyard rhyme which sounded infantile, even when we were infants? As a 'sexy' pop song? Sheesh.
We'd concede, 'I Kissed A Girl' was a genuinely surprising and flirty hit with an impressively gigantic hook - but that doesn't give you licence to trot out juvenile and wilfully dumb old tripe like this. I'm glad you think a banana is a treat, they're full of potassium and a useful part of a healthy balanced diet. Unfortunately they are only a sexy metaphor if you're a confused teenage boy with a wardrobe full of Parade magazines. Although, in fairness, Katy has probably spent too much time in the company of Russell Brand.
6. Sex Bomb - Tom Jones
Old daffodil tonsils may have re-invented himself as the silver fox of grandpoppery, thanks to his chair twirling stint on 'The Voice'. However, in 1999 he did something unforgivable. That is, he planted a picture of his leathery hide bumping and grinding while he warbled 'Baby you can turn me on', in our collective minds.
It's not a pleasant image. But what particularly offends is the super-cheapo, handbag house backing, simply screaming 'Old man trying to be sexy and hip over here.' That and the lyric 'Make me explode, although you know, the route to go is to sex me slow.' That's some dry boke, right there.
5. Erotica - Madonna
There's no doubting Ms. Ciccone is a formidable, female presence. Scarily so at times. But around the mid-nineties her libido was bubbling over like a cappuccino in an espresso cup. Who's to say what had got into her (other than Vanilla Ice) but it all got a bit much. There was that metal book with lots of shots of Her Madgeness sans pants - 'Sex' it was called, rather unsexily. And the album and single 'Erotica'.
The obviousness is the problem, isn't it? We didn't need Teddy Pendergrass to march around with little Teddy in his hand - in fact, we'd have been shocked and disturbed if he had. Likewise with Madonna. Which is why ' ... at night I lock the door, where no-one else can see' will always be more sexually intriguing than '... put your hands all over my body.'
4. Sex - Paul Young
It probably seemed quite a good idea at the time. Massive hit with debut single; first album to fill; popular with the young ladies - let's do a number about the horizontal jogging. What could possibly go wrong? Well frankly, this:
Let me guess what's on your mind (Sex) / That's all right ‘cause it's on mine (Sex) / You better give me what I want / 'Cause that's what I've been waiting for / (Sex...Sex...Sex...Sex...)
Nice thought, Paul. But I'm very tired and it's a work night ...
3. Sexy Love - Ne Yo
Huh? 'Sexy Love'? Isn't that what eight year old boys call the noises coming from their older brothers' bedrooms? And if you reverse the words, don't you get a Prince album? You see, writing really erotic songs isn't easy and the behatted Ne Yo is just phoning this nonsense in.
Littering his track with numerous 'Sexy baby' and 'My sexy love is so sexy' references, he's giving us the audio equivalent of watching the late movie over the shoulder of your lover. Instead of putting in the required effort, you're merely going through the motions. If a pop record could be accused of being a faked orgasm, this one would be guilty as charged. Ne Yo, you can keep your hat on. And your trousers.
2. I Invented Sex - Trey Songz
You didn't though, did you?
1. Liz Phair – H.W.C.
This quite obscure little ditty tops our tawdry chart. If you know it, you'll know why we gave it the gong. If you don't, hold on tight.
You'll need to give it a listen to discover what the 'C' stands for. But the 'H' and 'W' are 'hot' and 'white'.
We're delighted Miss Phair has found an aspect of her fella that excites her so, but we really, really wish she had spared us the details, especially via the medium of song. Of course, it could be argued there aren't enough pop records dedicated to the glory of bodily fluids - although there's probably a stronger argument that this one is one too many. What is surely beyond doubt, is the frightful unsexiness of Liz's tribute to her man's tadpoles.
Approach with caution. And maybe some tissues.
