Coming soon ...

Very little is certain in this life, but the mad rush of predictions for the year ahead is a rock on which we can depend in the awkward gap between Christmas and New Year. Unfortunately, most of them will be wildly inaccurate – with the sole exception of this column. So you can be sure my soothsaying is of the highest quality and look forward to the following events in 2013*

My letter to Santa ...

Dear Santa,

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Christmas will be on 25th December this year (funnily enough, they’ve scheduled Boxing Day immediately after on 26th). With this in mind, I thought I’d better drop you a note to outline some of the stuff I’d like you to provide. I suggest you take the Harley Electraglide motorcycle and Ibanez Roadster 2 series bass guitar for granted and concentrate on the following …

Musical bromide

This week the literary world celebrated the work of its most successful authors and their hamfisted attempts to convey the act of love to their readers. The Bad Sex Awards, organised by The Literary Review, is the embarrassment equivalent of the Man Booker prize and was held in the regal surroundings of the Naval & Military Club in St James. The venue is better known as The In & Out Club.

Winning for her challenged portrayals of camera-based bedroom action was Canadian Nancy Huston. Here she is:

'No sooner have we settled onto the bed and begun to remove each other's clothes with the clumsy gestures of impatience than I realise Kamal also knows about passivity — yes, he also knows how to remain still, fully awake and attentive, and give himself up to me as a cello gives itself up to a bow.'

A deserving victor, I'm sure you'll agree.

So all this toe-curling, rumpy-pumpy narrative set me thinking. Rock and roll is always keen on sex as a subject matter, sometimes with spine tingling results (Marvin, we salute you). However, as with the printed word, popular music is also liable to make a dreadful, dreadful hash of it. Therefore, with great pride, I am delighted to present the top-ten least sexy, sexy songs in music.

Reader, brace yourself, lie back and think of England.

Beware of the dog

At this time of generosity and giving, who could resist the wide-eyed pleading of a little doggie, hungry for a simple bone? Well, alcopop brand WKD think their customers would quite happily ignore Fido if there was a blue drink in it.

This is the proposition behind a seasonal poster campaign for the colourful booze. Or at least it was. Bowing to complaints and pressure, WKD have withdrawn the posters.

We’re suckers for animal stuff, aren’t we? For instance, compare the uproar over the capture and roasting of a rat on ‘I’m A Celebrity …’ with the general indifference to human suffering in Syria. I make no moral judgement here – I genuinely care about animal welfare too . I’d simply point out that any advertiser playing fast and loose with the notion of pet cruelty is on very thin ice. That said, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly where WKD wanted to be.