Electile dysfunction

In 1978 a poster appeared in the high streets of Britain. Placed by Saatchi & Saatchi for the Conservatives, it showed a long line of workless Britons under the line ‘Labour Isn’t Working’. That poster is now widely considered to have been responsible for the Tories’ electoral victory the following year.

Ello, ello, ello

1. The crime under investigation must be the murder of local prostitutes.

2. The leading male detective must have a troubled past and a broken or rocky marriage.

3. And a drink problem.

4. His boss must have doubts about the male detective's  involvement, but must admit he's the only one who can crack the case.

5. An autopsy scene, quite grisly, is mandatory.

6. Nobody must ever do any paperwork.

7. Arriving at a murder scene, our protagonist must ask a uniform officer 'What have we got?' A white tent will be involved here.

8. Lots of sexual tension between lead male and lead female detective is essential. She must be younger. At some point in the first episode we must see her in her bra for no good reason.

9. Lead male must be seen standing on a bridge staring out across a dark urban setting. He must be pouting. And squinting.

10. Lead female must, at some point, lock herself in the ladies' loo and sob about something.

11. An obvious perpertrator must be dragged into the cop shop early on and aggressively questioned by the troubled male lead. Then released.

12. We must suspect the lead male cop of the crime for a bit.

13. Lone saxophone all over the incidental music please.

14. One scene will involve the use of the internet to advance the case. It won't be like the internet you use.

15. It must rain. A lot.

16. Lead female cop must look achingly at her child playing as plot deepens and more murders occur.

17. When any male returns home, he must pour a scotch and sigh. A lot.

18. Perpertrator (who wears specs) must laugh in a crazy way when cops can't make evidence stick.

19. Lead male cop will then consider 'taking things into his own hands'.

20. Audience must be unable to quite relate to friends and colleagues how the crime was solved. But will happily hum the title music.

Massive sweep creatures

When I was young and it still existed, the Melody Maker got its knickers in a twist about 'rockism'. This was the notion that various acts were snubbing innovation in favour of rock stereotypes (feet on monitors, low slung guitars and the like). Manic Street Preachers often stood accused and a debate raged across the letters page. If those accusers were to hear 'Postcards From A Young Man' they would either keel over in indignation or book a victory party.

The man who designed punk rock

For those of you too fresh of face and short of tooth to remember, the punk movement spewed into the mainstream from the basements of Soho and shops of the Kings Road during the feverish summer of 1976. For many, it was the most radical and exhilarating injection popular culture had experienced since the birth of rock ‘n’ roll in the Fifties. So, unsurprisingly, its most influential figures became household names: Johnny Rotten (nee Lydon), Joe Strummer, Siouxsie Sioux and even Billy Idol.